I haven’t felt inspired to write much all year. In fact I have felt like I’m sagging, sinking, I am not finding life enjoyable, I am experiencing people as hateful, I am not taken with the country I live in, the politics of it, the degradation of society that no-one (people in power) seem to care about – the, “turn the other way and none of this is happening” attitude. With the election this year I am very apprehensive, and fearful of the future, I don’t think I can stay in the UK, I can’t see any improvement. I don’t WANT to abandon ship and leave “problems” that need looking into properly not simply brushing over BUT I DON’T HAVE THE ENERGY TO FIGHT WHEN NO-ONE WILL FIGHT WITH ME.
Every country has its problems, all governments display some element of corruption but if I go to Spain at least I will have sun. For instance it was 25 degs in Granada yesterday, compared with about 10 here…..
Capitalism kills.
Also, “my body” is acting up and the pain is grating in my head constantly now. I have been in pretty constant pain since December. Back, hip, groin, neck, arm, head, knees…..
I don’t like to moan, I’m sure I don’t have anything terminal, people are in far worse pain than me, people (inc my ex) have been in pretty constant pain since the age of 5 so who am I to complain.
BUT …….
I have spent over £500 since January on chiropractor appointments, x-rays, crano-sacral therapy, massage – not to mention a physiotherapist in Barbados who tried to hang me! AND I’m still in pain.
Plus I have lost money as I’ve had to cancel a flight for a trip I was due to be on this week.
Just as my “head” is finally sorting itself (after over 25 years) now my body wants attention.
I am not a happy girl, I am still limited in what I can actually do, I can’t sleep on my left side cos of my hip, my right side cos of my arm, my back cos of arthritis in my spine, I’d never sleep on my front anyway cos I can’t breath but my cervical spine is problematic too. Hence, sleep is elusive.
I have also been on pain-killers (opiate sort) that I NEVER take cos I quite like pain. I have a strong pain threshold and it has never bothered me in the past, BUT this is different. Nothing feels as if it is improving, my pelvis is STILL twisted, she just doesn’t want to stay in position. She likes me having sciatica all the way into my foot all night.
I dunno, I am really starting to get down about this and I know that really will not help. My body needs to feel loved but she is not going the right way about it – pissing me off will not enable me to show her love.
I probably need to release some anger somewhere but if I need a physical release I am at a loss to know HOW when everything hurts so much.
AND I AM SCARED OF AGEING!!
So, I turn to music…
Today’s clip: The Casuals – “Jesamine”
Never heard of the Casuals before, don’t like 60s music but I think I had this on a compilation some time ago and I just found it on U-Tube.
I was taken with the lyrcis:
“this butterfly child so free and so wild and so full of living”
and I thought “I wish”.
These lyrics appealed because I want to feel as free as a butterfly – a vivid blue butterfly. Blue morpho butterfly.
I think these are the ones that have a brown camouflaged exterior and when they open up they are vivid blue. Absolutely amazing (very panda-esque). As in me, probably most humans – externally we (most of us) blend in to our environment, we don’t want to stand out and be targetted by others (predators) but when we finally open up – wow we all have so much depth, life, vividity.
And guess what, thousands of these butterflies are killed and sold to tourists. Yuk – back to life (people) being savage, disgusting, cruel. Money is evil.
awakeningpanda 