NIGHTMARE OF LIFE / NIGHTMARE IS LIFE

This is how I see life, but I will limit how I say all this to “how I see MY life”. I was born into a nightmare. I realised my life was a nightmare somewhere around the age of 9. I have no memory of an age before 9 but I DO remember experiencing many literal nightmares, probably all around various anxieties but never being able to, having an environment where I actually COULD verbalise my nightmares, the content or the feelings resulting from these.

I know I never felt safe, I know I never felt loved (although I didn’t realise the latter until much, much later). Throughout my 20s and 30s I somewhere / somehow felt that one day I would wake up and when I did I would experience the full beauty of life. What, however, I did have was a world I could escape to where there was fun, beauty and a fairy-tale existence which somehow provided me with an escape. An escape from my bleak reality, a breather which also kept me “safe”. Safe from harm. Although there were many occasions where this reality of mine also led me to danger. Somehow my attachment to life on earth always kicked in last minute. Even when I was not fully conscious of the fact that I wanted to save myself from the after-life, I was always saved, sometimes by “good Samaritans” sometimes by my inability to stop using alcohol whilst attempting suicide. The alcohol used to lead me to wandering rather than simply staying still and dying. I remember once coming round in hospital and a nurse saying to me “it’s not your time yet”, that was after I tried the old hosepipe in the car exhaust trick. Many of the rest are simply a blur – I think I died once but I wasn’t officially told that, I remember “going” but I came back and the doctors obviously felt that they would be “encouraging” me if they actually said. So this wasn’t my “time”.

Anyway, I decided to move on and find a way to stay, hence a geographical move away from old memories, old hospitals, and even old “patients”. I needed to rid myself of all the reminders of hospitalisations, suicide attempts and other “bad” memory triggers. But I also removed myself from the safety net I had actually built up around me. Namely the handful of “good friends” I actually did have.

So I decided never to try any medical model “treatments” ever again and I found a good therapist (obviously I had no idea she was “good” at the time – that was a massive risk) at a fantastic organisation that offered sliding scale therapy rates.

It was hell, I had 5 constant years of “hell on earth” – more nightmare. The nightmare was continuous, 24/7 for at least 350 days of each year. 6 years on after much trauma, I felt myself awakening. This happened somewhere around October last year (2014). When I “awoke” I remember noticing the dew on a cobweb in the garden. It was night-time and the moonlight was shining on the glistening dew; and I stared in awe at it unable to move. I was transfixed by its beauty, totally stunned and unable to move and this was the first time I had ever truly noticed beauty. Something that I feel convinced the “average person” would overlook, would simply not notice BUT it took my breath away. I also noticed the stars, the moon, the brook, birds, the cool evening air, frost on the ground, the patterns made by deep frost, the pure glee expelled by songbirds, all the simple yet natural things in life that are not simple at all. They are magnificent. There is no way a human being with all their brains and intellect could ever make anything like this. No way at all. I was high on life for about 6-8 weeks, I was up, awake and exploring 24 hours a day, I didn’t need sleep.
But eventually it all became over-whelming, far too over-whelming. I could take no more in and since early December last year I have not felt or seen any of this beauty.

I have had a horrible year, I had many horrible years before but this one has been cataclysmic. It has shown me the pure depths of everything I contained. Absolute 100% vile, putrid ANGER. And a roller-coaster of intense feeling; feelings that I didn’t really have and with this came my inability to get back to my “imaginary” world. This is the problem with “awakening” you can’t go back. I haven’t spent a lot of time trying to get back – I just know that life is no longer accessible and sometimes I would really like it.

Now, this is my dilemma and this may also be a sign that I have not truly, fully awoken:-

1) The “story” goes that when you feel the depths of pain, when you can truly allow yourself to FEEL, you CAN also feel the wonders of joy. Well, just to make you aware I have felt no “wonders of joy” since October last year. And maybe they were only superficial. Maybe they were not REAL. Maybe it was all only euphoria.

2) My body still hasn’t awoken and this is the main reason for writing this journal piece – this is mainly about BODY.

BODY

Why do we have a body?

My understanding of having a body, the purpose of body is 1) to procreate 2) to use as a method of transport 3) to give us pleasure and 4) to provide us with connection to other “bodies”.

Well NONE of this applies to me. Body for pleasure, No. I feel very little sensory stimulus, I have never really felt “sexual” pleasure, I have never felt particularly “carnal” in nature although in my 20s and 30s I found sex a great tool of distraction although I can’t say I found it particularly pleasurable. Once instigated I couldn’t wait for it to be over. Body for procreation – My chances of procreation were lost, due to either my emotional state at the time, my whole body and mind being in shock, being with a partner unable to reproduce, and my never really feeling able to provide a nurturing environment to an infant. In fact I find procreation a predominantly “selfish” act. Body as mode of transport – there are many places I would love to travel to, many cultures I would love to know more about BUT my body barely moves. Sometimes it takes 4 hours after first waking in the early morning before I can even move my legs, very often I cannot move from the town I live in, some days I cannot leave the house and my body brings me pain. In fact it gives me great pain. I was in continual pain since the end of December 2014 until about June this year when I lost all physical feeling. Now physical feeling is starting to come back and I have become aware of more pain, pain in parts of the body I never realised existed, never felt before. Body as a tool to connection – well if your body won’t move it is unlikely to be able to connect with itself or with anyone else.

My brain is fine, my brain is over-active, I am continually working. But my work is my “cause”, my teaching, my reason for being here.

And I had an epiphany just a couple of days ago. I don’t actually need a body to be able to do this – my work. I can work from the “other side”, sometimes far more effectively. I can travel far wider in spirit than I can in a body that doesn’t move.

The other thing that really hit me – a feeling rising from the space where my heart should reside – was the knowing that I am still in the nightmare. Life is the nightmare there is nothing to wake from, this is it. And in my opinion, in my sight and in my feelings and probably from my experiences; there is nothing worse than life.

Life is the biggest nightmare and I bet that is not just my opinion. It is pure ego that keeps me attached to earth, I can’t see any gain at all from being here. I can see no point to possessing a body, a body that does not pleasure, does not seem to function, that I don’t even want to feed, and that does not transport.

I simply want to feel free, free to live as I please, free to leave as I please. I am not sure if I am simply being impatient; that there is a chance that my body will start to move but I can already feel cancer cells developing in my left breast. So maybe my body has tuned in to all this and is preparing to leave. And probably by then because my freedom to choose will then be taken away from me, I shall want to stay here.

I am really struggling with the idea that all I have awakened to is a massive well and depth of pain, I am really struggling to comprehend why 46 years have been a complete and utter unawakening nightmare. I don’t feel bitter at those that appear to have walked a fairly unsullied path but I do question why I have had to experience all I have in one life-time; why it couldn’t have been spread out over a few different ones; and I could have had some joy thrown into the mix. And I detest those that tell me that all this is good karma. I wanted a life THIS time round. I won’t be me in another life so what the heck……………….

If you need to cry

I am posting this for those of you that NEED to cry but cannot find a release, or a trigger to ALLOW yourself to do so.

If you need to cry
But your eyes are try
This clip may help you along

A catchy tune
Which may be a boon
To release tears held back strong

The video you may find
When your tears are fixed blind
May encourage these on

Mine were too stuck
For me to unpluck
But if it works for you I have won!

 

 

Just a quickie

Marc Almond

My favourite ever artist. This record goes out to all medics everywhere. From me and my mother.

The version I wanted was from the album Jacques but I couldn’t find it on U-Tube.

Also from Jacques – a song of life

No No No

Today I had a dream (I mean nightmare) that there was already Christmas stuff in the shops.

Please don’t let this be true. Please rocket me out of Capitalist Britain.

Let Me Go – song by Gary Barlow

I was not really of the “Take That” era or appreciated the work of Gary Barlow. But he wrote this song for his stillborn daughter Poppy in 2012 and I find the lyrics very raw but with an “uplifting” tune. To me it is all about Hope and Despair, sadness and spirit.

It  may hold something for some of my followers.

Justice

There will NEVER be justice in a human world.

Justice is an illusion held in the depths of those souls that have experienced injustice.

We all carry the injustices dealt us in our previous and present incarnations. Many of us are not even aware of these inequities.

So, in a human world of subterfuge where the key-holders to justice are the most unjust we have to realise that we are fighting a lost cause.

The only place we will find justice is in the spirit world.

If we strive for fairness for every one on the human plane we are merely flogging ourselves and throwing away our energy.

We lose our soul to our fight, we lose our selves. We cannot unwrap and unravel the devious, manipulations and need for power of others’ who are blind and DO NOT WANT to see.

All we can do on the earth plane is ensure that we OURSELVES do not cause further harm, distress and unfairness to others AND speak out about our own experiences, and those of others’ closest to us. But, in my experience of the liberal “sit on the fence” dwellers in the UK, do not expect anything other than a wall of silence. Self-protection and job-protection seems to be all that matters in a selfish, capitalist society.

So for the fairer and more sensitive amongst us we have dream-time and the spirit-world; we have nature too but sometimes nature seems cruel and unfair.

I cut my ties and relinquish my fight.

Namaste

WORLD TO DIE BY 2020

This is how I thought things worked. As man-kind develops through time we make “improvements”, we develop skills and abilities to ensure a better, happier life. We learn from our mistakes, we find out what we enjoy, what gives us pleasure, what gives others’ pleasure, we learn what life is about and from this we learn to LIVE.

Why, if my previously held belief is the case, does life appear to be getting worse, harder, less enjoyable, more destructive. Why is the population more angry, more ignorant, more destructive than, say, 30 years ago. Why are we all so selfish. Why, when we try to live from the heart and show compassion do we leave ourselves open to more hurt, abuse, disappointment and isolation. Why when we try our darnedest to help ourselves do we keeping running into bureaucratic walls.

Is there something programmed in all of our brains that tells us to forget all that we feel and just bulldoze ahead to DESTRUCT. Is it that actually human-beings, no matter what we try or think we want, are purely full-steam ahead to earth annihilation.

This is how everything appears to me.

We have some brilliant brains in the world today but what is their focus. Predominantly what I see is that the main aim is to make money, give ourselves more leisure time by developing gadgets that make our activities of daily living faster. Then what do we do with our leisure time, drink ourselves into oblivion to escape from a world of misery and hate.

Where has everything gone wrong? It may not now take us a whole week to do our washing, we may be able to prepare ourselves something to eat in super-quick speed, but what have all these time-saving gadgets given us. These gadgets are providing no-one with contentment.

Seventies Britain

Individual shops and high streets. I remember a street full of independent shops – we had butchers, green-grocers, bakers, post offices, stationers, hardware stores, sweet shops.

2020 Britain

What do we have – supermarkets, subway, costa …… no high streets, no post offices.

We used to write letters and take photographs – now many people no longer know how to write, they just use “text-speak”. People take photos on their I-phones or other gadgets and upload them onto a lump of metal and plastic that is not even made in this country. Then they don’t print them. Our social history will be lost from the 2000s onwards, once the hard disk corrupts many will be lost full-stop.

Libraries are closing. Post offices are closing. Village pubs are closing. Many rural villages have absolutely nothing.

All High Streets in the UK look the same, charity shops and big chain stores – there is nothing individual about any of our high streets and we have no community areas to go to, to meet others.

Recreation grounds have been concreted over or turned into housing. Our houses have got smaller, box-like and characterless.

Many of us sit at home ordering “shit” on-line (much of which we don’t actually need but kid ourselves into believing that this “stuff” will fill the void), more high street shops then close cos they can’t compete with these big on-line companies, many of which are not registered in the UK and don’t pay tax.

All that will be left will be the chain stores and supermarkets that supply goods, none of which are made here, that employ staff on minimum wage and zero hour contracts, that pay no tax and that give nothing back to community.

And this is improvement.

Our utilities are supplied by organisations that are not from the UK. That demand profit. We cannot phone to speak to anyone without spending hours on-hold to a call-centre based elsewhere in the world (as the staffing costs and site costs are cheaper than in the UK – more profit to the big 4). We get angry because we cannot find a human voice and if we eventually do we get angry because we do not understand the accent. They employ young people in a soulless job, we get angry with these people because the service is so poor or we cannot find any human being to give us any information and it is not these youngster’s fault. They are just the vent receptor for our anger at inefficiency and being ripped off.  In the 70s and 80s we had Gas Board shops and Electricity shops that we could take our cheques into. Not anymore we have faceless overseas voices and a void of electronic transfers that we cannot keep tabs on.

Our mobile reception goes down. Again the big companies have no phone numbers only on-line help with no actual email addresses, no human being to speak to….. And still we hand over our money, they make a profit.

We are now penalised for sending cheques and requesting paper bills – because this actually means someone has to do something on a monthly basis – therefore less profit. All these companies want us to set up direct debits or pay on-line so that they can simply take our money – well, what I mean is, a computer can be programmed once to take our money and then keep taking without any staff member needing to do anything else.

Then when systems get hacked or we have no service – we have to fight and fight with non-existent “people” to get any financial reimbursement.

And this is progress.

All these time saving devices are bringing human beings further away and further out of touch with other human beings.

Many people live alone and see no-one. There are no high streets left to speak of, there are no banks to go to, to pay bills as they are now “manned” by computers and have gone back to shutting 2 or 3 days per week (to cut staff and make more profits).

People that work are predominantly in jobs they hate, making money for someone else (usually overseas), working more hours, still not being able to afford to live. Landlords are taking exorbitant rents and not maintaining properties, councils are not providing properties, people in their 20s and 30s are still living with parents as these large companies are not paying wages high enough to support them paying the exorbitant rents anywhere else.

Food prices – we are importing too much from other countries. We cannot sustain our own population. We need to stop eating animals. The land taken for animals could then be used for crops we could eat. Not only do animals take space but they also need feeding.

Houses are being built on land that is needed for food production. So we import and grow more people but have no resources to feed them, school them, house them, nurse them and transport them, let alone no home-grown businesses to employ them.

So this is improvement!

More and more family relationships are breaking down, instead of working through relationship difficulties we give up, walk away, bring children up alone. But we still want to have the children, we still want our gadgets and bits of plastic. Why? Because we have a void. We need more housing for the split-up families, each of these children will need accommodating, they will have children, these children will have more children, they will probably not bother staying with the parents of these children. By then the world (if it still exists) will be more disjointed, more separated, no-one will know what love or trust is, we will all be living separate lives, in separate boxes and looking at how everything is going now these boxes will probably be cardboard.

Pharmaceutical companies will be making a killing on everybody’s unhappiness. Our poor diet and alcohol consumption will give the government more tax to spend unwisely. The shit food manufacturers will be getting off on massive profits funded by unhappy people; who have basically lost the will to live any differently. Diseases such as diabetes, heart problems, blood pressure, any problem related to obesity will become rife because there is no prevention or education against them. Again pharmaceutical companies rill rub-their hands cos they can then rip the NHS off even more. (Except there won’t even be an NHS by then). There will be no “family” to look after the sick or the elderly. Companies will “care” which may involve a 10 minute – half hour basic man-handling with no talking….for which the “client” will be paying but the actual worker will be receiving less than one-third of.

All this in the name of improvement.

There is so much more, this post is merely touching the surface. We have a government that was supposed to have been elected and they don’t get it or don’t want to.

In fact not one fucker, at least in MY life, does get it.

I cannot see one thing that has made my life better or give me a perception of a better world. If everything is about profit, plastic, gadgets if everything I want to access to help me physically, or emotionally is going to cost me money which I don’t have which is why I need my physical and emotional well-being (in order to EARN money). I’ve given up now. I’ve tried this year – I thought I had it clarified in my head what I needed. I have and I won’t get it. This place is running backwards. No-one cares. All human beings are cunts. I give up now. I will bury my head in the sand and sleep until I can get off this earth.

Let’s kill the planet, let’s kill the animals, let’s concrete over nature, let’s not take responsibility for ourselves, let’s feed capitalism, let’s ramp up the human rights abuses, hey why not just nuke the place.

With all the wonderful brains and educated people in the world why is there not one person that can see that there is absolutely no point in profit, no point in more leisure when nobody actually has a life. Or if the life that they do have they do not want to live in. Or if their life is so shit they want to drink or drug it out of existence.

Man has caused all of this and as I said at the beginning I think the aim is to annihilate – that was what the chip said when it was put in our head. This world will self-destruct by 2020  -bring it on!

Queen – Innuendo

Amazing record and watch the lyrics

Frank Sinatra – A Very Good Year

For those in the “Autumn” of their life who are still waiting (and maybe giving up hope) for a Very Good Year.

Mr Frank Sinatra – there will never be another Frank. His phrasing and the strength of his voice I cringe at those that try to emulate his style. It can’t be done.

Lovely tune but I lack hope on this score for myself.